Photo by Polina
I'm a late-diagnosed autistic woman, with more than a hint of ADHD woven in. For most of my life, I battled volatile mental health, struggled to communicate, and burned out so severely I could barely look after myself. There was even a time I nearly gave up on life altogether — all because I didn't know I was autistic.
Hearing the stories of other autistic women helped me make sense of so much I could never quite articulate. It was like finding a mirror I didn't know I needed. God led me down the path of diagnosis, which I didn't really understand, but trusted His voice and He provided me with the help and support I never knew I needed.
Through all of it, one thing has remained constant: music. Music has always been my language when words fail — a form of stimming, a way to regulate my emotions and organise my thoughts. My grounding force. My way of making sense of chaos.
In every burnout, music was there — a steady thread of comfort, an outlet for expression when everything else fell apart. When I withdraw from the world, my greatest solace is retreating into the depths of my own mind and emerging with a song that captures the precise moment I'm living through. Music speaks the truth of my inner world more clearly than I ever could. Now I want to use it to share my praises for what God has done for me.
For a long time, I kept my music entirely to myself — held back by something I've only recently found a name for: the discomfort of being perceived. Over more than a decade, I've built a back catalogue that moves through the phases and seasons of my life — through struggle, through survival, through diagnosis. And I finally feel ready to share it.
I am a late bloomer, and I've made peace with that. This Autism Awareness Month, I've been honouring my past self — revisiting music I made when I was undiagnosed, listening back to my own thoughts, feelings, and emotions preserved in time. Sitting with the girl I was. The one who felt so lost, so trapped, so certain something was wrong with her — who could never quite be herself in any space, except one: music. The one place where I made the rules, moved at my own pace, and decided exactly how and when things came to life in my sonic world.
I'm praying to share these creations very soon.
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